My mind doesn't wander,
it leaves completely.
Friday, December 31, 2010
Thursday, December 30, 2010
Amen!
A New Year Prayer for the Elderly
God, grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway,The good fortune to run into the ones that I do,
And the eyesight to tell the difference.
Thanks to:
Will and Guy's Funny Clean Jokes
Sunday, December 26, 2010
Thursday, December 23, 2010
Haw Haw Haw!
What nationality is Santa Claus?North Polish
Why does Scrooge love Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer? Because every buck is dear to him
How do sheep in Mexico say Merry Christmas? Fleece Navidad
Why does Scrooge love Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer? Because every buck is dear to him
How do sheep in Mexico say Merry Christmas? Fleece Navidad
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
Tuesday, December 21, 2010
Monday, December 20, 2010
Sunday, December 19, 2010
Saturday, December 18, 2010
Ho ho ho?
What kind of candle burns longer, a red candle or a green candle?
Neither, candles always burn shorter!
How does Good King Wenceslas like his pizzas?
Deep and crisp and even!
Who delivers presents to baby sharks at Christmas?
Santa Jaws!
Thank you to Activity Village.co.uk
Neither, candles always burn shorter!
How does Good King Wenceslas like his pizzas?
Deep and crisp and even!
Who delivers presents to baby sharks at Christmas?
Santa Jaws!
Thank you to Activity Village.co.uk
Friday, December 17, 2010
Thursday, December 16, 2010
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
Monday, December 13, 2010
Sunday, December 12, 2010
Tee Hee
What do you call an old snowman?
Water!
What goes “oh, oh, oh”?
Santa walking backwards
Knock knock!
Who’s there?
Snow.
Snow who?
Snow use – I’ve forgotten my name again!
What is the best Christmas present in the world?
A broken drum – you can’t beat it!
Water!
What goes “oh, oh, oh”?
Santa walking backwards
Knock knock!
Who’s there?
Snow.
Snow who?
Snow use – I’ve forgotten my name again!
What is the best Christmas present in the world?
A broken drum – you can’t beat it!
Saturday, December 11, 2010
Friday, December 10, 2010
Barry Christmas!
Dave Barry, Christmas Shopping
In the old days, it was not called the Holiday Season; the Christians called it 'Christmas' and went to church; the Jews called it 'Hanukka' and went to synagogue; the atheists went to parties and drank. People passing each other on the street would say 'Merry Christmas!' or 'Happy Hanukka!' or (to the atheists) 'Look out for the wall!'
In the old days, it was not called the Holiday Season; the Christians called it 'Christmas' and went to church; the Jews called it 'Hanukka' and went to synagogue; the atheists went to parties and drank. People passing each other on the street would say 'Merry Christmas!' or 'Happy Hanukka!' or (to the atheists) 'Look out for the wall!'
Thursday, December 9, 2010
Benny!!
Roses are reddish
Violets are bluish
If it weren't for Christmas
We'd all be Jewish.
~Benny Hill
Violets are bluish
If it weren't for Christmas
We'd all be Jewish.
~Benny Hill
Wednesday, December 8, 2010
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
P C Christmas
'Twas the night before Christmas and Santa's a wreck...
How to live in a world that's politically correct?
His workers no longer would answer to "Elves".
"Vertically Challenged" they were calling themselves.
And labour conditions at the North Pole
were alleged by the union to stifle the soul.
Four reindeer had vanished, without much propriety,
Released to the wilds by the Humane Society.
And equal employment had made it quite clear
That Santa had better not use just reindeer.
So Dancer and Donner, Comet and Cupid
Were replaced with 4 pigs, and you know that looked stupid!
The runners had been removed from his sleigh;
The ruts were termed dangerous by the E.P.A.
And people had started to call for the cops
When they heard sled noises on their rooftops.
Second-hand smoke from his pipe had his workers quite frightened.
His fur trimmed red suit was called "Unenlightened."
And to show you the strangeness of life's ebbs and flows,
Rudolf was suing over unauthorised use of his nose
And had gone on Geraldo, in front of the nation,
Demanding millions in over-due compensation.
So, half of the reindeer were gone; and his wife,
Who suddenly said she'd enough of this life,
Joined a self-help group, packed, and left in a whiz,
Demanding from now on her title was Ms.
And as for the gifts, why, he'd never had a notion
That making a choice could cause so much commotion.
Nothing of leather, nothing of fur,
Which meant nothing for him. And nothing for her.
Nothing that might be construed to pollute.
Nothing to aim, Nothing to shoot.
Nothing that clamoured or made lots of noise.
Nothing for just girls, or just for the boys.
Nothing that claimed to be gender specific.
Nothing that's warlike or non-pacifistic.
No candy or sweets...they were bad for the tooth.
Nothing that seemed to embellish a truth.
And fairy tales, while not yet forbidden,
Were like Ken and Barbie, better off hidden.
For they raised the hackles of those psychological
Who claimed the only good gift was one ecological.
No baseball, no football...someone could get hurt;
Besides, playing sports exposed kids to dirt.
Dolls were said to be sexist, and should be passe;
And Nintendo would rot your entire brain away.
So Santa just stood there, dishevelled, perplexed;
He just could not figure out what to do next.
He tried to be merry, tried to be gay,
But you've got to be careful with that word today.
His sack was quite empty, limp to the ground;
Nothing fully acceptable was to be found.
Something special was needed, a gift that he might
Give to all without angering the left or the right.
A gift that would satisfy, with no indecision,
Each group of people, every religion;
Every ethnicity, every hue,
Everyone, everywhere...even you.
So here is that gift, it's price beyond worth...
May you and your loved ones, enjoy peace on Earth.
How to live in a world that's politically correct?
His workers no longer would answer to "Elves".
"Vertically Challenged" they were calling themselves.
And labour conditions at the North Pole
were alleged by the union to stifle the soul.
Four reindeer had vanished, without much propriety,
Released to the wilds by the Humane Society.
And equal employment had made it quite clear
That Santa had better not use just reindeer.
So Dancer and Donner, Comet and Cupid
Were replaced with 4 pigs, and you know that looked stupid!
The runners had been removed from his sleigh;
The ruts were termed dangerous by the E.P.A.
And people had started to call for the cops
When they heard sled noises on their rooftops.
Second-hand smoke from his pipe had his workers quite frightened.
His fur trimmed red suit was called "Unenlightened."
And to show you the strangeness of life's ebbs and flows,
Rudolf was suing over unauthorised use of his nose
And had gone on Geraldo, in front of the nation,
Demanding millions in over-due compensation.
So, half of the reindeer were gone; and his wife,
Who suddenly said she'd enough of this life,
Joined a self-help group, packed, and left in a whiz,
Demanding from now on her title was Ms.
And as for the gifts, why, he'd never had a notion
That making a choice could cause so much commotion.
Nothing of leather, nothing of fur,
Which meant nothing for him. And nothing for her.
Nothing that might be construed to pollute.
Nothing to aim, Nothing to shoot.
Nothing that clamoured or made lots of noise.
Nothing for just girls, or just for the boys.
Nothing that claimed to be gender specific.
Nothing that's warlike or non-pacifistic.
No candy or sweets...they were bad for the tooth.
Nothing that seemed to embellish a truth.
And fairy tales, while not yet forbidden,
Were like Ken and Barbie, better off hidden.
For they raised the hackles of those psychological
Who claimed the only good gift was one ecological.
No baseball, no football...someone could get hurt;
Besides, playing sports exposed kids to dirt.
Dolls were said to be sexist, and should be passe;
And Nintendo would rot your entire brain away.
So Santa just stood there, dishevelled, perplexed;
He just could not figure out what to do next.
He tried to be merry, tried to be gay,
But you've got to be careful with that word today.
His sack was quite empty, limp to the ground;
Nothing fully acceptable was to be found.
Something special was needed, a gift that he might
Give to all without angering the left or the right.
A gift that would satisfy, with no indecision,
Each group of people, every religion;
Every ethnicity, every hue,
Everyone, everywhere...even you.
So here is that gift, it's price beyond worth...
May you and your loved ones, enjoy peace on Earth.
Monday, December 6, 2010
Giggle
Anyone who believes that men are the equal of women has never seen a man trying to wrap a Christmas present.Anonymous
Why is Christmas just like a day at the office? You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.Anonymous
What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus? Claustrophobic.Anonymous
Why is Christmas just like a day at the office? You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.Anonymous
What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus? Claustrophobic.Anonymous
Sunday, December 5, 2010
Saturday, December 4, 2010
Friday, December 3, 2010
Thursday, December 2, 2010
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
Monday, November 29, 2010
A Song of Thanks by William Cole
It's sensible that icicles
Hang downward as they grow,
For I would hate to step on one
That's buried in the snow.
It's really best that tides come in
And then return to sea;
For if they kept on coming in,
How wet we all would be!
I've often thought tomatoes are
Much better red than blue,
A blue tomato is a food
I'd certainly eschew.
It's best of all that everyone's
So tolerant today
That I can write this sort of stuff
And not get put away.
From Oh, that's Ridiculous / William Cole / Viking / 1972
Hang downward as they grow,
For I would hate to step on one
That's buried in the snow.
It's really best that tides come in
And then return to sea;
For if they kept on coming in,
How wet we all would be!
I've often thought tomatoes are
Much better red than blue,
A blue tomato is a food
I'd certainly eschew.
It's best of all that everyone's
So tolerant today
That I can write this sort of stuff
And not get put away.
From Oh, that's Ridiculous / William Cole / Viking / 1972
Saturday, November 27, 2010
more Groaners
Conversation between clouds:
"Surely you can't be Cirrus!"
"I am Cirrus, and don't call me Shirley!"
(So what's the stratus on your gut, now that you've read that one??)
"Surely you can't be Cirrus!"
"I am Cirrus, and don't call me Shirley!"
(So what's the stratus on your gut, now that you've read that one??)
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
Wishes by Anonymous
May your stuffing be tasty
May your turkey plump
May your potatoes and gravy
Have nary a lump
May your yams be delicious
And your pies take the prize
And may your Thanksgiving dinner
Stay off your thighs.
May your turkey plump
May your potatoes and gravy
Have nary a lump
May your yams be delicious
And your pies take the prize
And may your Thanksgiving dinner
Stay off your thighs.
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
Fox Worthy
If you think paleontology is the study of buckets, you may not be smarter than a fifth-grader.
Jeff Foxworthy
Jeff Foxworthy
Monday, November 22, 2010
Sunday, November 21, 2010
Get Up, Get Up
Get up, get up, you lazy-head,
Get up you lazy sinner,
We need those sheets for tablecloths,
It's nearly time for dinner.
-Anonymous-
Saturday, November 20, 2010
Twisted Mind
I know what it means.
Am I the only one who
wonders if it could be
interpreted differently?
Friday, November 19, 2010
Ha!
Hey, mister, is that your bunch of cows?
Herd.
What?
Herd - of cows.
Of course I've heard of cows. Whaddya take me for?
Herd.
What?
Herd - of cows.
Of course I've heard of cows. Whaddya take me for?
Thursday, November 18, 2010
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
Everybody Sing!!
Ready? And...
I do nothing, nothing, nothing.
I do nothing all day long.
I do absolutely nothing!
How d'ya like my nothing song?
I do nothing, nothing, nothing.
I do nothing all day long.
I do absolutely nothing!
How d'ya like my nothing song?
Saturday, November 13, 2010
GROSS!
There was a young lady of Spain
Who was dreadfully sick on a train,
Not once, but again
And again and again,
And again and again and again.
Anonymous
Who was dreadfully sick on a train,
Not once, but again
And again and again,
And again and again and again.
Anonymous
Thursday, November 11, 2010
From a card, as I remember...
Keep your chin up,
your nose to the grindstone,
your shoulder to the wheel,
your feet planted firmly on the ground,
and now try to get anything done!
your nose to the grindstone,
your shoulder to the wheel,
your feet planted firmly on the ground,
and now try to get anything done!
Monday, November 8, 2010
/Penzance-crop.gif)
Thursday, November 4, 2010
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
Election Day
In our town you can vote for a knight
and you can vote for...
This is in no way a comment on either candidate.
They are not running against one another.
Monday, November 1, 2010
Friday, October 29, 2010
Top 10 Signs You Are Too Old to Be Trick or Treating:
10. You get winded from knocking on the door.
9. You have to have a kid chew the candy for you.
8. You ask for high fiber candy only.
7. When someone drops a candy bar in your bag, you lose ...your balance and fall over.
6. People say, "Great Keith Richard's mask!" and you're not wearing a mask.
5. When the door opens you yell, "Trick or ..." and can't remember the rest.
4. By the end of the night, you have a bag full of restraining orders.
3. You have to carefully choose a costume that won't dislodge your hairpiece.
2. You're the only Power Ranger in the neighborhood with a walker.
1. You avoid going to houses where your ex-wives/ex-husbands live
posted on Prego by The Flying Ewe
Thursday, October 28, 2010
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
Don't Try It!
OK -- I don't think my Mom wanted
my sister to eat her cake!
Or anyone else, either!!
That's her sister.
Monday, October 25, 2010
Sunday, October 24, 2010
Saturday, October 23, 2010
+of+Copy+of+Picture+005.jpg)
Boy Scout
Leader,"How did you get that black eye?"
Scout, "Helping an old lady cross the street."
Leader, "What happened?"
Scout, "She didn't want to go!"
An oldie, but it makes me smile.
Scout, "Helping an old lady cross the street."
Leader, "What happened?"
Scout, "She didn't want to go!"
An oldie, but it makes me smile.
Friday, October 22, 2010
Thursday, October 21, 2010
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
Wha...?
Wife: Why didn't you stop telling that story after the third time I kicked you under the table?
Husband: You didn't kick me.
Husband: You didn't kick me.
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