Who Wrote It?

I remember my mother reciting this - or, part of it.

One bright morning in the middle of the night,

Two dead boys got up to fight.

Back-to-back they faced one another,

Drew their swords and shot each other.

One was blind and the other couldn't see,

So they chose a dummy for a referee.

A blind man went to see fair play,

A dumb man went to shout "hooray!"

A deaf policeman heard the noise,

And came and killed those two dead boys.

A paralyzed donkey walking by,

Kicked the copper in the eye,

Sent him through a nine inch wall,

Into a dry ditch and drowned them all.

(If you don't believe this lie is true,

Ask the blind man -- he saw it too!)

How to treat Grandma

How to treat Grandma

When Grandma visits you, my dears,
Be good as you can be;
Don't put hot waffles in her ears,
Or beetles in her tea.

Don't sew a pattern on her cheek
With worsted or with silk;
Don't call her naughty names in Greek,
Or spray her face with milk.

Don't drive a staple in her foot,
Don't stick pins in her head;
And, oh, I beg you, do not put
Live embers in her bed.

These things are not considered kind;
The worry her, and tease -
Such cruelty is not refined
It always fails to please.

Be good to Grandma, little chaps,
Whatever else you do;
And then she'll grow to be - perhaps -
More tolerant of you.
-- Anonymous
I found this HERE

---

Benny!!

Roses are reddish
Violets are bluish
If it weren't for Christmas
We'd all be Jewish.
~Benny Hill

P C Christmas

'Twas the night before Christmas and Santa's a wreck...
How to live in a world that's politically correct?
His workers no longer would answer to "Elves".
"Vertically Challenged" they were calling themselves.
And labour conditions at the North Pole
were alleged by the union to stifle the soul.

Four reindeer had vanished, without much propriety,
Released to the wilds by the Humane Society.
And equal employment had made it quite clear
That Santa had better not use just reindeer.
So Dancer and Donner, Comet and Cupid
Were replaced with 4 pigs, and you know that looked stupid!

The runners had been removed from his sleigh;
The ruts were termed dangerous by the E.P.A.
And people had started to call for the cops
When they heard sled noises on their rooftops.
Second-hand smoke from his pipe had his workers quite frightened.
His fur trimmed red suit was called "Unenlightened."

And to show you the strangeness of life's ebbs and flows,
Rudolf was suing over unauthorised use of his nose
And had gone on Geraldo, in front of the nation,
Demanding millions in over-due compensation.
So, half of the reindeer were gone; and his wife,
Who suddenly said she'd enough of this life,

Joined a self-help group, packed, and left in a whiz,
Demanding from now on her title was Ms.
And as for the gifts, why, he'd never had a notion
That making a choice could cause so much commotion.
Nothing of leather, nothing of fur,
Which meant nothing for him. And nothing for her.

Nothing that might be construed to pollute.
Nothing to aim, Nothing to shoot.
Nothing that clamoured or made lots of noise.
Nothing for just girls, or just for the boys.
Nothing that claimed to be gender specific.
Nothing that's warlike or non-pacifistic.

No candy or sweets...they were bad for the tooth.
Nothing that seemed to embellish a truth.
And fairy tales, while not yet forbidden,
Were like Ken and Barbie, better off hidden.
For they raised the hackles of those psychological
Who claimed the only good gift was one ecological.

No baseball, no football...someone could get hurt;
Besides, playing sports exposed kids to dirt.
Dolls were said to be sexist, and should be passe;
And Nintendo would rot your entire brain away.
So Santa just stood there, dishevelled, perplexed;
He just could not figure out what to do next.

He tried to be merry, tried to be gay,
But you've got to be careful with that word today.
His sack was quite empty, limp to the ground;
Nothing fully acceptable was to be found.
Something special was needed, a gift that he might
Give to all without angering the left or the right.

A gift that would satisfy, with no indecision,
Each group of people, every religion;
Every ethnicity, every hue,
Everyone, everywhere...even you.
So here is that gift, it's price beyond worth...
May you and your loved ones, enjoy peace on Earth.

Copyright; Author Unknown

A Song of Thanks by William Cole

It's sensible that icicles
   Hang downward as they grow,
For I would hate to step on one
   That's buried in the snow.

It's really best that tides come in
   And then return to sea;
For if they kept on coming in,
   How wet we all would be!

I've often thought tomatoes are
   Much better red than blue,
A blue tomato is a food
   I'd certainly eschew.

It's best of all that everyone's
   So tolerant today
That I can write this sort of stuff
   And not get put away.

From Oh, that's Ridiculous / William Cole / Viking / 1972

Wishes by Anonymous

May your stuffing be tasty
May your turkey plump
May your potatoes and gravy
Have nary a lump
May your yams be delicious
And your pies take the prize
And may your Thanksgiving dinner
Stay off your thighs.

Get Up, Get Up

Get up, get up, you lazy-head,
Get up you lazy sinner,
We need those sheets for tablecloths,
It's nearly time for dinner.
-Anonymous-

GROSS!

There was a young lady of Spain
Who was dreadfully sick on a train,
   Not once, but again
   And again and again,
And again and again and again.
                        Anonymous